My Fate Defeated Me
At some point, I just didn’t have the strength to keep telling my story to everyone over and over again. I simply let it go. They should think what they want. Besides, many people often don’t really listen. Many thought they knew the truth. I felt alone and misunderstood, as if I were an alien. It felt like nobody truly knew me. No one knew much about this disease, yet everyone acted like an expert. What annoyed me the most were all the unnecessary comments: “You should just stop sweating, improve your hygiene, you shouldn’t make yourself the center of attention and dramatize the issue; everyone sweats, it’s a normal thing.” The list is long. I always let it go without commenting and kept the sadness, anger, and rage inside me. I began to loathe people and started blaming myself for everything.
The Dream I Had to Give Up
Dancing was my life. I attended a primary school for music and dance at that time. My teacher, Mrs. Penzek (may she rest in peace), was in charge of dance and was also my class teacher. I was allowed to learn folk dancing, which I thought was amazing. My father filmed everything and everyone. We often had to dance in front of the camera. My passion for dancing was simply taken away from me. Before the operation, I was a very lively and energetic child; I was always on the go and loved to move. I allowed the disease to defeat me. It was a long process to let go and to forgive myself as well. I really tried to keep dancing and cope with the illness, but it was just too hard for me. My eldest brother founded the dance group “Jokers,” of which I was a member. After that, a friend of my brother started another dance group called “Looney Tons,” and I was part of that group too. At some point, I taught Hip-Hop and Freestyle to children aged 9 to 15. We called ourselves “Soulsisters.”
What If!
What if I had wished for a stronger will? To have been more self-confident and for my love of dance to have been greater than my fear of people? What if! Maybe things would have been different. Today, I feel all the more proud to see my sister dancing. I often wonder what would have happened to me if I had not been diagnosed with TBC and had never developed hyperhidrosis. Would I have become a professional dancer? I will never know. The excessive sweating stopped me from pursuing my dream until the day I stopped dancing altogether.
It saddens me that hyperhidrosis is rarely talked about, and when it does surface, it is often trivialized. Excessive sweating is extremely uncomfortable. How many times have I had to run out of a room to clean myself? How many times have I been laughed at or had to refuse an invitation? You can’t imagine how many. Time and again, I’ve been laughed at or had to refuse invitations just to avoid such scenarios. People often judge others without any background knowledge. Many thought and think that I’m quiet because I think I’m better than others or that I’m conceited, but the opposite is the case: my strokes of fate tend to slow me down in my being.
The New Me
I want to show girls and women my age that they are beautiful and enough just as they are. My biggest goal is to change people’s perceptions. Everyone is beautiful! I want body shaming to finally come to an end. No one should feel ugly, fat, or, worse, unlovable because of their shape or size, nor should anyone feel bad about who they are. These negative thoughts take up so much time and energy and put pressure on every type of woman.
I am a very shy person, introverted and not very outgoing. I need time to build confidence and come out of my shell. Then I’m goofy, energetic, talkative, and love to laugh. I am grateful for the woman I have become, even though I am still growing, developing, and constantly evolving. Although the past often catches up with me, it has also made me stronger and contributed to who I am today. It has also given me the courage to share my story with you.
